Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
