i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
