I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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