Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
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I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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