I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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