take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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