EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
