i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I love having hate sex.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
