I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
