I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
