rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
