I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How external is "for external use only"?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
