you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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