Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
