hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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