Porn is love you can see.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
