my phone needs a breathalizer
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
