I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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