My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
