it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
