I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
