Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
