Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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