All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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