i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
