grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
