just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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