i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
