Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
