I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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