I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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