I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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