If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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