I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
