So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
