So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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