walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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