I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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