True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger