I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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