Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?