i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want