____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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