i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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