I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
