so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
