I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
