see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
