my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
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