Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
