my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
