Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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