I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
