Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
