Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
