is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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