At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
