drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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