Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
